Count Your Blessings
a man who works undercover security at walmart wrote a crappy poem about me and because it imagined me
dying a violent death via live execution i had to report it to the fbi. they say there is a first time for everything it’s just that... can we not?
i have never had an occasion to report anything to the fbi because fuck the police, but i found the process to be fairly easy. a quick google search led me to www.tips.fbi.gov where i was able to provide some personal information, a brief explanation detailing my trauma, and it was submitted all online without having to talk to a human. what a time to be alive.
my report went a little like this:
“dear fbi,
how are you today? i am doing well it is just that i am in danger of a man who wrote a poem threatening to kill me. he self-published a terrible book of poems and in one identified me by name... this is all really absurd but he says my head is so far up my own ass that i won’t even see it coming when men pull me from my home and execute me live on television. i promise that my head is not up my ass, not even a little. the men who break in to kill me will slowly saw me in half, starting at the genitals, and when i beg for water they will force feed me my own blood. going to be a long, slow death! this is silly and not how i wanted to spend my tuesday evening, but i figured i would report this because i like being alive. he mentioned murdering my dog before me. i have two dogs but he only specified one dog. i am unsure if that means he is going to spare one, or just doesn’t realize i have two! even the tiniest amount of internet stalking would reveal that i have two dogs and several fish. spotty detective work on that. i don’t know this man but he hates me because i make jokes about misandry and share feminist memes. attached is a copy of the poem. please ignore the part where he says i profit off of trauma and use victimhood as a prop. and i definitely do not like the smell of my own farts. well, that’s neither here nor there. so yeah let me know what all you need from me. we must work together to dismantle the patriarchy. teamwork makes the dream work. thank you for keeping this country safe. have a nice day!”
sufficed to say the fbi never reached out for further information. a death threat disguised as art is a tough sell, but i like to imagine this man is on a watch-list now. every time he places and order on amazon somewhere some dude at homeland security is like, “yo, brent, look what this motherfucker just ordered.” and they laugh and laugh at his bad taste and embarrassing existent. alerting the authorities to sexual harassment and abuse is kind of joke. a man masturbated onto my sister on the train once in broad daylight and when we found a cop, the cop asked us what we want him to do about it. i don’t know, man, put this man in prison so he can rot for the rest of his life? our culture cares more about the potential innocence of the abuser than victims of abuse. how often in the media do we see a woman get torn to shreds over what she was wearing or how much alcohol she had to drink. during the primary election, our very own president was accused of raping a 13-year-old and the media blamed her. reactions to this story were mixed on social media. many decried that i need to ignore this man because he obviously wants attention and best not to feed the troll. others maintained that the poem is in poor taste, but freedom of speech.
hell will freeze over before people collectively understand what freedom of speech protects against. spoiler alert: harassment isn’t a constitutional right!
because i am internet famous (not to brag but i have like ten ride or die fans) and often speak out about feminism and toxic masculinity, i have been the object of tons of great and fun online abuse. there are rarely repercussions for the men who attack me because rape culture is constantly perpetuating itself, but i have often been given temporary bans for breaking community standards with such shockingly violent statements as,
“men are trash.”
game of thrones is my main jam and i use the joke ‘valar morgulis’ (for those who don’t speak high valyrian, all men must die) when discussing bad dude behavior. for example, i am walking my toddler to the bus stop and a man pulls up on the side of the road and shouts NICE PUSSY at me and my child. ahem: all men must die.
this hashtag has gotten me temporarily banned from different social media platforms countless times because masculinity is fragile. a man publishes poorly-written rape fantasies about women and why can’t you just ignore it? if y’all can give a shit about me using a dumb hashtag and making a joke about misandry, you can give a shit about this. men threaten to kill and rape me. some have said my child would be better off dead than raised by me. there is the risk of doxxing. my page gets spammed by trolls, but i keep doing it because it’s important work. it is so deeply ingrained in our brains to be misogynists. we are all racists. we all hate women. we all need to work constantly to be better. when other women see me stand up for myself and speak against toxic masculinity, it is empowering.
the solution, obviously, is that all men must die.
