Beginning of a Marriage

it is v scandalous to bring a 19-yr-old home to the family reunion when you are an old ass 35-yr-old man. i met jacob on fb and after having a lot of sex in a short period of time, he wanted to bring me home to meet his family in west virginia. spoiler alert: at the time i did not know where west virginia was on a map and although most of the walmarts in the state are littered with men who stand out in the parking lot selling puppies out of the back of a truck. this might sound like a fun thing (puppies!) but it is not fun. west virginia is not a fun place.

his family is the nice type who does a yearly reunion (gross) at the family campsite (wtf?) which is terrifying to me because a) why anyone would want to be around their family on their vacation is beyond me b) i kind of hate any family that is normal because my family is awful and trashy and the only time we’d ever meet to do any sort of outing would be to go to the old country buffet and then my uncle would call someone the n-word and get us kicked out. ~memories~

jacob was not the type to bring women home and meeting his family filled me to the brim with joy. when you love someone so much taking the next step is magical. to get to west virginia we were going to take a megabus halfway there and have his dad pick us up and drive us the rest of the way. this stressed me out to that max. megabus was having a crazy sale like FIFTY NINE CENT TRIPS and i could not believe mine eyes. a quick google of megabus brought me to a news story in which a young guy chopped off the head of another passenger with a machete and then cut the body up and wore the deceased’s nipples on his eyes like cucumbers at a spa. 

i could not stop fantasizing about this happening to us on our trip. and by “us” i mean jacob. how horrible would it be if a rando guy chopped jacob’s head off and pranced around wearing his nips on a double decker bus with a full shitter and complimentary wi-fi and I had to meet jacob’s dad on the other end and be like, “hello nice to meet you your son has been decapitated.” i honest to god would rather be brutally butchered than have to deliver that news. thankfully we did not get murdered. we didn’t get murdered but right before the trip jacob’s sister sent him the following message:

April 14, 2011

Kelly’s mom sent me this

“Hi im the mother of kelly pearce and i think its pretty sick that ur 35 yr old brother ( may iadd he is the same age as “ me”) is having doings w a 19 year old little girl ! We find your brother to be a perverted moran ! andmay i also add i find it sickening that you; ; find this normal ??? What do you and a

19 year old little girl have in common ? MY POINT NOTHING !”

This really pisses me off, but i am not sure how i should respond. perhaps with a family like this, you should break up with her.

i love you”

here is the thing about jacob’s sister. one time we got into an actual fight about who jacob loves more, me or her, and i was like rufkm i am his wife his peen has been in my mouth like ten billion times this is some lannister bullshit and she still to this day prob thinks jacob loves her more than me. it’s not good!

so i kind of think my mom’s message is funny like it is so embarrassing and petty and bad like how can anyone seriously get mad at that? it made me more mad that she had suggested him dumping me for something i had no control over. upon meeting her for the first time she handed me her newborn baby and i had just tugged on jacob’s peen in the car and that was a kind of revenge that i actually feel bad and would like to strike it from the record. but if we are being real who even cares about his sister, we all know meeting his mom is the big shebang. and meeting his mom for the first time was... a big no.

she kept calling me jacob’s long-time ex-girlfirend’s name. preethi. i refuse to believe anyone can accidentally mix up the whitest white girl name, kelly, with preethi. obv i am the type to hold a grudge because here i am seven years later and i maintain that mixing up those names is not a real thing that can happen. his mom was trolling me to the max. jacob tried to cheer me up by saying that for seven years his grandparents, because they are racist, could not physically pronounce the word preethi and instead would call her PREEE-TEE or PREESHEE or (wait for it) CREASY. lol/cry

that first meet set the precedent of how all future family gatherings would be: the worst. his mom called me the wrong name and then made us grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches with homemade french fries and it was the best fucking meal I had ever eaten. which i resent.

appalachian cooking is disgusting slash the best and all of the meals are made from scratch and derived from a “recipe” that great aunt esther concocted in 1889! i say “recipe” because most people define a recipe as written instructions and measurements that, when followed correctly, leads to a delicious thing you can put in your mouth. my experience thus far has been something like:

“i really like this thing you made! can I have the recipe?”

“of course, it is so easy to make! you just mix 5 or 6 scant spoons of salt in with one normal sized fiesta-ware cup of flour, roll it all out on the counter, and take several large pinches of pepper and garlic salt and season it to taste. oh and you have to grease the griddle. I butter my griddle because olive oil thins my blood but really it’s up to you. insert sounds that resemble woodstock talking to snoopy” 

anyway, jacob’s mom serves us our delicious grilled cheeses, which is kind of embarrassing because there is already a lot of tension over my age and here i am at 1 a.m. and i request a GRILLED fucking CHEESE. as the saying goes- no regerts. AND THEN THE MOST AMAZING THING OF ALL TIME HAPPENED.

his mother sat at the table and told me all about how jacob had undergone double eye surgery when he was a baby and I didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about or what had been wrong with jacob’s eyes or that he had ever had eye surgery as a baby. it turns out that jacob was born cross-eyed and had to have corrective surgery to uncross his eyes when he was almost 2-yrs-old and this was the story that his mother had decided to tell me upon meeting me for the very first time ever and she acted quite taken aback that jacob had not yet told me the story of how he was born cross-eyed and how his eyes had crusted over so badly after surgery that it was quite a scary sight to behold. and that jacob was a sweet and patient child and NEVER PICKED HIS YELLOW EYE SCABS. she went on to explain that it is very possible for jacob to pass on his genes to his children, so we would have to consider surgery and keep our babies from touching their crusty, yellow eyes, should we wish to reproduce. and now let us draw the curtain of charity over the scene.