Potty Training
i am potty training a 3-year-old boy and i want to die.
little boys are completely useless. we already know this because men are completely useless, but it needs to be said. people try to sugar-coat the uselessness of little boys by saying stuff like, “little girls just learn faster!”
like, no.
if you’re old enough to declare that you have just shit your pants and require immediate medical attention, you are too damn old to be shitting in your pants.
iggy is completely aware that he is not supposed to shit his pants, he simply does not give a fuck. he gets a thrill out of shitting on himself and other things. his top memory of 2016 is the one time he was supposed to be using the skunk training potty that he forced me to buy at marshall’s even though i didn’t want to buy it because it was ten dollars more than the regular potty and it was the exact same thing except one had a skunk face and usually I am all about whimsy but TEN DOLLARS jesus christ i am not made of money so anyway instead of using his fancy ass skunk potty, he shit on the bedroom floor and then proudly escorted me to the pile of shit and expected me to be proud. (?)
i was screaming OMG IGGY WHY DID YOU DO THAT and he began to gleefully dance around the poo.
i ran to get some baby wipes to clean it up and when i came back, the turd was gone. there wasn’t even a spot on the floor. one of my idiot asshole dogs had eaten every last smear of evidence and they were all pretty damn smug about the whole shituation.
send kill vibes plz
there are some miserable people in the world who attempt to do a thing called infant potty training, which is when you sit your baby on a toilet all damn day starting at age 0 and try to predict when they will shit so you can catch it in the
potty and celebrate. you do this all day every day of your life until they are potty trained. LOL. i have friends who sit their actual newborn babies on the potty to get them used to it. this is fucking insane.
1) newborns are like, barely alive. they have no concept of anything at all whatsoever. if you blow on a newborn’s face they are like IT IS
EARTHQUAKE?!?!?!
2) who in their right mind has the time or energy to do this? i am already a slave to this dopey kid and i am supposed to dedicate more time of my life to it. my answer is no.
we are trying this thing where we don’t let him wear underwear or diapers at all in the house. the theory behind this practice is that if he has to poop it will fall down his legs and gross him out and if you can handle a few days of pure horror then eventually he will use toilet because he won’t want to shit like an animal. my kid loves to shit like an animal. once he cried and hit me because it wasn’t fair that i wouldn’t let him use the litter box. i don’t know the science behind the method, but the reality of the situation is you have a kid rubbing his bare ass all over everything and tugging on his tiny baby penis and then touching your eyes and face to get you to look at the big pile of crap on the floor after he failed to properly use the bathroom.
most of the time iggy just shits in his pants. he goes into a corner, i ask if he is pooping, he says no, he comes out and says OH NO! I POOP-DED! and so begins the process. my husband is the only person who changes the shit-underwear. i cannot and will not do it. i do so much already and cleaning shit-pants is the end of the line. i will throw up on the child.
huz has it down to a hardcore science. he can remove the underwear without getting poop on anything, clean the child, dress the child, clean the contaminated underwear all in like 5 minutes. when i do it there is crying and screaming and the poop is getting everywhere and iggy is kicking at me with poo-legs. i blood pressures rises just thinking about it. i usually just cut the underwear off like they do in the emergency room and then burn it. obviously it is not cost-prohibited to throw away every single thing the child has shit into. he would shit us out of our house. how huz manages to save every pair of undies is upsetting to me. the newest trick up my sleeve to teach this fool how to shit like a respectable human is bribe him. good ol’ bribery. please spare me the links to the NYT on how ~rewarding~ kids to do menial tasks, like not defecating in public, makes them lazy, apathetic dickwads. i already know this. twenty years from now when iggy is suing me for embarrassing him on social media, you can rub it in my face
then. for now, “santa and his elves” have been bringing iggy gifts every time he shits on the potty. he doesn’t even have to wipe, he just has to drop it in the toilet.
when he is successful, i tell him i saw a bird or some random animal in the kitchen and he runs to find the bird and comes back to the living room like, “there was no bird, bitch” and omg. SANTA’S ELVES LEFT A TOY OF EQUAL OR LESS THAN $3 SOMEWHERE EASILY VISIBLE AND HASTILY WRAPPED ALL BECAUSE HE POOPED IN THE POTTY! it is a joyous occasion.
he has gotten playdoh, an animatronic puppy on a leash that he swings around like a lasso, spider-man lip gloss, a car, a coloring book, paint, marbles that i threw away because choking hazard oops, walkie talkies, and a mirror. i am pretty sure he is never going to shit without being given a prize. whatevs. #yolo
parenting is weird because you constantly, desperately wish time away while simultaneously being sad that time has gone by. it is awful. do not recommend.
